that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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