Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
