I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
