So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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