my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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