I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
