I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
