I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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