i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
