In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
