So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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