I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
