matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
