What a fucking waste of an outfit
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
