I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
