i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
