My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
