is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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