True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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