Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I can't put those talents on a resume
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
