Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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