i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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