Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
