I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
