you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
