I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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