I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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