i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
