: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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