I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
