you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
