People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
