took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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