I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Randomize
