You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
