Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
