I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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