My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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