i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Randomize
