I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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