yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
