So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
