I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
