So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
