Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
