Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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