I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
