At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
