I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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