yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
