i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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