xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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