Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
