Ambien. No doubt about it.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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