I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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